Love.

Forgiveness

The poison of a grudge is coursing through my veins, and it's leaving bitter taste in the mouth. I don't like it at all - it colours my view of you.

"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became dark and their hearts were darkened." - Romans 1: 21

These lenses through which I perceive you - these spectacles of learned skepticism and artistic snobbishness - how they colour you so!

The distaste I feel every time you worry about money and the things we need to buy, where does it come from?

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres." 2 Corinthians 13: 4 - 7

What does the picture of a soulmate look like?

He protects, engages, communicates, shares and empathises, no?

I fear that I cannot see past your small-minded worries and anxieties; I know that behind the mask of husband and provider is a soul I can touch, and hopefully effect some change to. Why can't I see it?

I'm sorry for doing this - spilling my bitterness out in words like this. I feel as though this - this act of publishing secret thoughts - betrays you somewhat. I know one day you just might read all this and think to yourself - "why smile and tell me everything is hunky-dory when it obviously isn't?" or worse: "did she have to publish this for the whole wide world to see?"

But I know you won't read it. Many people will - but you, my husband-to-be will have better things to do than to trespass on the mental landscapes of your own wife.

For better or worse, till death do us part, my love. I will learn to love you as I love myself. As for you, will you also learn to forgive me for wishing I could love you more passionately than I do right now?