Turning 30.

So I turned 30 two Sundays ago.

I joked with my eldest brother that now I'm in my thirties, just like him, so he can't just think of me as a baby anymore. But honestly, it feels a lot more complicated than that.

In the past year, I've felt more inadequate about myself, especially my ability to be mother and take care of someone else other than me, than I ever was as a 19-year-old, cocksure and footloose in London.

On the bright side, the anxieties and fears are now not a result of teenage insecurity, but a deeper understanding of who I am rather than what I wish I was - including my own strengths and limitations. I guess what bothers me is knowing my limitations.

A casual remark my mom made kinda hurt: she said I wasn't ready for a second kid, implying that I wasn't able to handle 1 kid well, not to mention two. I found myself totally unable to rebut her, unable to vehemently disagree even though I should and wanted to.

Thinking about it now I reckon its realising that it is a fact that we're relying so much on our parents to give the kind of care that Dylan needs. And a frustration that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do about it. We have NO options.

Lots of people have been asking me how I was feeling about the husband going down under for med school and me leaving Dylan behind this coming Thursday for 4 months while I complete my program at Cambridge.

My reply is pretty standard: this is the best arrangement for Dylan, he's getting the best care possible from very loving and doting grandparents, the weather here is more conducive, there are more things to do like bringing him to swim at Keppel, going to the beach, playing at the gigantic playground at West Coast Park etc etc.

But I search myself and realise that I can never truly be at peace with this arrangement, not without that pang of guilt that I'm not somehow short-changing Dylan of time with his mother. Sure, we've prayed about this, our cell group has also upheld Dylan and all of us including his grandparents in prayer.

But there is no denying that we are driven by necessity rather than choice. And necessity really doesn't make bearing it any easier, that's the truth.

The great thing this past week is finding out that my bosses are supportive of my application to spend a year with my family. This is truly answered prayer!!!

The not so great thing is that in the process, they've also asked questions about our plans to complete the family. Something about wanting to keep things transparent, and needing to make sure that vacancies in the branch are filled up.

So I guess part of being in the 30s, is realizing that even in our private decisions, of when to have kids, we're really accountable to a much broader network than the two of us plus Dylan. I need to consider the needs of the organization who has paid for my studies. I need to consider whether my inlaws would WANT a second grandchild - in their old age and with them being so very contented just with Dylan. After all, in the end, we depend on them to provide care while I work. And not least, I need to consider the needs of my own husband, who will be missing out on the early years of BOTH his children if we went ahead with a second one soon.

I tell myself that the consolation for holding back on number 2 is that I'll have more years to give exclusively to Dylan. And even though it may mean that the option of having number 3 may be non-existent seeing as I'd be past 35 by then, E tells me 2 is good enough.

So, in the end, how does it feel to be 30 for me?

I see God's timing in stretching each of our faiths.

I see His provision in giving E. his medical school.

In giving me my scholarship and a career that makes a difference.

In giving my inlaws a beautiful grandson in their old age.

And in giving Dylan loving and doting grandparents who don't mind looking after him all day and all night. So many couples and families do not have this kind of home support that we do. So far be it that I should complain, weep, and pull my hair out over the limitations that rule our lives.

But I also see times of testing ahead. Severe testing. Not made any easier by the distance between us.

May I truly see the grace that pervades our lives, in spite of our separation as a family, and of my frustrations as a mother who cannot due to necessity give her child her all.



Got a dress for the occassion - a classic black halter neck, knee-length dress picked up from a shop at Parkway Parade, and my xmas wish-gift from e-bay.


Complimentary birthday cake at Morton's - oh sweet sensation of warm gooey chocolate sliding down the tongue!