Conflicted.

A confession - It's been difficult living under the same roof as the inlaws. And to some degree, coming back here to Cambridge and having a room to call my own is liberating.

To be fair to them, Dylan's grandparents are completely loving to me, always asking if I've eaten and offering to buy food or take me out. I reciprocate by ensuring that I keep the mess in the house to a minimum, and don't object when Grandma comes around, takes Dylan away from my arms, and says "Come, come, mommy is busy." On the whole, a third party will characterize our relationship as being warm and closely-knit, even.

So why is it that I do not feel at peace with them?

I can execute all the right moves as daughter-in-law, saying and doing what is right, but until I surrender my guilt at leaving Dylan behind, and the seething resentment and envy at the time they will be enjoying with what is rightfully my own, the relationship just can't be set right.

I am conflicted, between wanting to love them and honour them, and resenting myself for not being able to do it honestly, and openly express my feelings about this whole situation to them. I am upset with myself, and see that the evil in my life comes from inside in spite of my best efforts.

C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, says that in the christian walk, every decision that we make changes us ever so slightly, into something either more heaven-like, or hellish. In the past week, I wonder if I've become a more hellish-like creature than heavenly.

(I have to qualify that C.S. Lewis was writing in context of being in or out of a relationship with God, and our abiding in him. So our steps towards being heavenly or hellish creature should not be simplistically misunderstood that you do good to enter heaven and if you behave badly, you end up in hell.)

Often, evil is thought of and portrayed in horror and thrillers as something outside of us - an alien or a spirit with malicious intent. I watched two movies on the flight here that did this - Invasion and 1408. Nicole Kidman plays a mother who is fighting against an insidious alien invasion of human bodies that take over their souls and leave them without morality, emotions, and loyalties to family - hallmarks of what makes us all human. In 1408, John Cussack checks into a haunted hotel room in which nobody has ever emerged alive or unscathed.

Both movies depict evil as something that happens to people - a force originating from outside forcing its way into the human body and psyche and doing irreparable damage in the process.

But the truth is that evil is also very much in us and part of us, and the cause of many destroyed relationships. What has made my last week almost intolerable for me was having to deal with my own seething resentments, envy, guilt and even hatred, even though they were not apparent through any visible reactions on my part.

Some may say that if I didn't choose to repress them I'd feel better, but just let it out at them - including saying directly to Grandma, please keep your hands off my son and just let us be together in peace! But the result would have been unthinkable, and I know this from seeing it happen with my own parents.

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Talking about sexual morality, C.S. Lewis in the same book says that people misunderstand that our bodies don't matter, just our spirits do. God loves matter - that's why our sacraments include very physical acts of eating the bread and drinking the wine, and being doused in water. That is why God will eventually replace our bodies with permanent ones - ones that will reflect who we truly are - either heavenly creatures or hellish ones.

One day, when God gives me my new body, I wonder if my friends will be surprised by my appearance. I pray that I don't end up looking like the monster in Alien vs. Predator - though it bears remarkable resemblance to how I feel on the inside.

Turning 30.

So I turned 30 two Sundays ago.

I joked with my eldest brother that now I'm in my thirties, just like him, so he can't just think of me as a baby anymore. But honestly, it feels a lot more complicated than that.

In the past year, I've felt more inadequate about myself, especially my ability to be mother and take care of someone else other than me, than I ever was as a 19-year-old, cocksure and footloose in London.

On the bright side, the anxieties and fears are now not a result of teenage insecurity, but a deeper understanding of who I am rather than what I wish I was - including my own strengths and limitations. I guess what bothers me is knowing my limitations.

A casual remark my mom made kinda hurt: she said I wasn't ready for a second kid, implying that I wasn't able to handle 1 kid well, not to mention two. I found myself totally unable to rebut her, unable to vehemently disagree even though I should and wanted to.

Thinking about it now I reckon its realising that it is a fact that we're relying so much on our parents to give the kind of care that Dylan needs. And a frustration that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do about it. We have NO options.

Lots of people have been asking me how I was feeling about the husband going down under for med school and me leaving Dylan behind this coming Thursday for 4 months while I complete my program at Cambridge.

My reply is pretty standard: this is the best arrangement for Dylan, he's getting the best care possible from very loving and doting grandparents, the weather here is more conducive, there are more things to do like bringing him to swim at Keppel, going to the beach, playing at the gigantic playground at West Coast Park etc etc.

But I search myself and realise that I can never truly be at peace with this arrangement, not without that pang of guilt that I'm not somehow short-changing Dylan of time with his mother. Sure, we've prayed about this, our cell group has also upheld Dylan and all of us including his grandparents in prayer.

But there is no denying that we are driven by necessity rather than choice. And necessity really doesn't make bearing it any easier, that's the truth.

The great thing this past week is finding out that my bosses are supportive of my application to spend a year with my family. This is truly answered prayer!!!

The not so great thing is that in the process, they've also asked questions about our plans to complete the family. Something about wanting to keep things transparent, and needing to make sure that vacancies in the branch are filled up.

So I guess part of being in the 30s, is realizing that even in our private decisions, of when to have kids, we're really accountable to a much broader network than the two of us plus Dylan. I need to consider the needs of the organization who has paid for my studies. I need to consider whether my inlaws would WANT a second grandchild - in their old age and with them being so very contented just with Dylan. After all, in the end, we depend on them to provide care while I work. And not least, I need to consider the needs of my own husband, who will be missing out on the early years of BOTH his children if we went ahead with a second one soon.

I tell myself that the consolation for holding back on number 2 is that I'll have more years to give exclusively to Dylan. And even though it may mean that the option of having number 3 may be non-existent seeing as I'd be past 35 by then, E tells me 2 is good enough.

So, in the end, how does it feel to be 30 for me?

I see God's timing in stretching each of our faiths.

I see His provision in giving E. his medical school.

In giving me my scholarship and a career that makes a difference.

In giving my inlaws a beautiful grandson in their old age.

And in giving Dylan loving and doting grandparents who don't mind looking after him all day and all night. So many couples and families do not have this kind of home support that we do. So far be it that I should complain, weep, and pull my hair out over the limitations that rule our lives.

But I also see times of testing ahead. Severe testing. Not made any easier by the distance between us.

May I truly see the grace that pervades our lives, in spite of our separation as a family, and of my frustrations as a mother who cannot due to necessity give her child her all.



Got a dress for the occassion - a classic black halter neck, knee-length dress picked up from a shop at Parkway Parade, and my xmas wish-gift from e-bay.


Complimentary birthday cake at Morton's - oh sweet sensation of warm gooey chocolate sliding down the tongue!