Conflicted.

A confession - It's been difficult living under the same roof as the inlaws. And to some degree, coming back here to Cambridge and having a room to call my own is liberating.

To be fair to them, Dylan's grandparents are completely loving to me, always asking if I've eaten and offering to buy food or take me out. I reciprocate by ensuring that I keep the mess in the house to a minimum, and don't object when Grandma comes around, takes Dylan away from my arms, and says "Come, come, mommy is busy." On the whole, a third party will characterize our relationship as being warm and closely-knit, even.

So why is it that I do not feel at peace with them?

I can execute all the right moves as daughter-in-law, saying and doing what is right, but until I surrender my guilt at leaving Dylan behind, and the seething resentment and envy at the time they will be enjoying with what is rightfully my own, the relationship just can't be set right.

I am conflicted, between wanting to love them and honour them, and resenting myself for not being able to do it honestly, and openly express my feelings about this whole situation to them. I am upset with myself, and see that the evil in my life comes from inside in spite of my best efforts.

C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, says that in the christian walk, every decision that we make changes us ever so slightly, into something either more heaven-like, or hellish. In the past week, I wonder if I've become a more hellish-like creature than heavenly.

(I have to qualify that C.S. Lewis was writing in context of being in or out of a relationship with God, and our abiding in him. So our steps towards being heavenly or hellish creature should not be simplistically misunderstood that you do good to enter heaven and if you behave badly, you end up in hell.)

Often, evil is thought of and portrayed in horror and thrillers as something outside of us - an alien or a spirit with malicious intent. I watched two movies on the flight here that did this - Invasion and 1408. Nicole Kidman plays a mother who is fighting against an insidious alien invasion of human bodies that take over their souls and leave them without morality, emotions, and loyalties to family - hallmarks of what makes us all human. In 1408, John Cussack checks into a haunted hotel room in which nobody has ever emerged alive or unscathed.

Both movies depict evil as something that happens to people - a force originating from outside forcing its way into the human body and psyche and doing irreparable damage in the process.

But the truth is that evil is also very much in us and part of us, and the cause of many destroyed relationships. What has made my last week almost intolerable for me was having to deal with my own seething resentments, envy, guilt and even hatred, even though they were not apparent through any visible reactions on my part.

Some may say that if I didn't choose to repress them I'd feel better, but just let it out at them - including saying directly to Grandma, please keep your hands off my son and just let us be together in peace! But the result would have been unthinkable, and I know this from seeing it happen with my own parents.

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Talking about sexual morality, C.S. Lewis in the same book says that people misunderstand that our bodies don't matter, just our spirits do. God loves matter - that's why our sacraments include very physical acts of eating the bread and drinking the wine, and being doused in water. That is why God will eventually replace our bodies with permanent ones - ones that will reflect who we truly are - either heavenly creatures or hellish ones.

One day, when God gives me my new body, I wonder if my friends will be surprised by my appearance. I pray that I don't end up looking like the monster in Alien vs. Predator - though it bears remarkable resemblance to how I feel on the inside.